"Just Move On": Why That Advice Fails, and What Actually Helps

You finally said something. Maybe not the whole thing — just enough to signal that you were not coping. And what came back was kind, immediate, and completely useless. Bhulihal. Time heals everything. Others have suffered more. Be strong. Do not think about it so much.

The people saying this love you. That is what makes it so disorientating: you cannot be angry at them without feeling ungrateful, and you cannot accept the advice because you have already tried it for months. So the conversation closes, and you conclude that talking does not help — which is the opposite of what was intended.

Why people say it

It helps to understand that this advice is usually about the listener, not about you.

Watching someone you love in pain, with no ability to fix it, is genuinely hard to tolerate. Move on is what people reach for when they need the distress in the room to reduce. There is also a generational element: many Nepali parents lived through periods when there was simply no space to process anything. Endurance was the only available strategy, and it worked well enough to survive. They are recommending the tool that got them through.

And there is a genuine cultural logic. In a society where family reputation is shared, distress is not treated as a private matter — it is something that may reflect on everyone. Keep it quiet is, in that frame, protective advice.

None of which makes it effective.

Why it does not work

Suppression is not processing

Deliberately not thinking about something takes continuous effort, and it does not reduce the underlying distress. It occupies attention and energy, which is partly why people carrying something unspoken feel so tired. The material does not disappear; it waits.

Avoidance keeps it alive

Every time you steer around a memory, a place or a conversation, you confirm to your nervous system that it is dangerous. This is why some things get worse with time rather than better — the avoidance itself teaches the fear to stay.

It adds a second problem to the first

Now you are struggling, and you are also failing at the instruction to stop struggling. Shame layers on top of the original difficulty, and shame is what stops people asking again.

It ends the conversation

The practical effect is closure. Most people who receive this response do not try a second time — not with that person, and often not with anyone.

Also read: Toxic positivity, grief and trauma →

Why more explaining may not fix it

People often assume the solution is better information — if they just understood what depression is, they would respond differently. That assumption may be shakier than it seems.

In a survey of 385 college students in Chitwan and Kathmandu, mental health literacy and attitudes towards mental health problems were found to be unrelated. Knowing more did not predict feeling differently. The authors concluded that raising literacy alone may not improve attitudes, and that combined approaches including experience are likely needed.

For you, practically, this means two things. If a family member does not respond well after you have explained carefully, it is not because you explained badly. And handing them an article may not be the lever you hoped. What tends to shift people is watching someone they love get better — which is an argument for getting support first and having the family conversation later, rather than the reverse.

What to ask for instead

Most people do not know what support should sound like, so they default to advice. Being specific gives them something they can actually do.

• "I do not need a solution. I just need you to listen for five minutes."
• "Please do not tell me others have it worse. I know. It does not help."
• "Can you sit with me? We do not have to talk."
• "What would help is if you asked me how I am doing next week too."
• "I am not asking you to fix this. I am telling you so you know."

If naming it directly is not possible in your family — and in some households it is not — that is a reason to find one person outside it, not a reason to stop trying.

If you are the one being told this

• You are not weak for being unable to follow the instruction. It is not a workable instruction.
• You do not have to convert anyone before you are allowed to get help.
• One person who listens well is worth more than a family that agrees in principle.
• Getting support without announcing it to everyone is a legitimate choice, not deceit.

If you are the one who said it

If you recognise yourself as the person who offered this advice, that is worth something rather than a reason for guilt. Almost everyone has said it, usually while trying to help.

• Ask instead of advising: "What is it like at the moment?"
• Tolerate silence. You do not have to fill it with encouragement.
• Do not compare their situation to anyone else's, including your own at their age.
• Follow up unprompted a week later. That single act communicates more than any speech.
• Say plainly that you do not know what to say. Honesty lands better than a formula.

In short

Move on is advice offered with love that asks for something the mind cannot do. Suppression consumes energy without reducing distress, avoidance strengthens fear, and the instruction itself adds shame to whatever was already there.

What actually works is the opposite: saying the thing out loud, at a pace you control, to someone who does not need you to be finished with it. If nobody in your immediate circle can do that yet, that is precisely what a therapy room is for.