Why Do Some People Always Choose the Wrong Therapist? Understanding Therapy Resistance

D.Bhatta
4 hours ago
4 min read

Introduction

Finding the right therapist can feel like dating — sometimes you connect immediately, other times you don’t. But have you noticed some people always end up with the wrong therapist? Even more puzzling, when they finally meet a therapist who could actually help, they reject them.

This isn’t just bad luck. It’s a psychological pattern called therapy resistance. Understanding why this happens can save you years of wasted effort and help you finally build a healing relationship with the right professional.

What Does “Wrong Therapist” Mean?

Before diving deeper, let’s clarify: a “wrong therapist” doesn’t mean the therapist is unqualified or bad. It means the therapist:

Lets you vent endlessly without helping you grow.
Avoids asking difficult questions.
Feels “comfortable” but doesn’t challenge your patterns.

A “right therapist,” by contrast, is one who:

Helps you see truths you’ve been avoiding.
Encourages responsibility instead of only blame.
Creates discomfort in the short-term but long-term change.

So why do people often reject the therapist who challenges them, and stick with the one who just listens?

The Psychology of Choosing Wrong Therapists

1. Familiarity With Dysfunction

We are unconsciously drawn to what feels familiar.

If you grew up in a home where love was conditional, neglectful, or critical, you may unconsciously choose therapists who replicate that.
Example: If your parents ignored your feelings, a therapist who is passive or distant might feel “normal.”
Meanwhile, a therapist who genuinely listens and challenges you might feel threatening or “too much.”

This is called repetition compulsion — the unconscious drive to recreate old wounds in the hope of finally resolving them.

2. Fear of Real Change

Healing means leaving behind old identities — the victim, the overachiever, the “broken one.” That can feel terrifying.

A good therapist pushes you toward responsibility and growth.
But the ego resists, because change threatens your familiar (though painful) comfort zone.
Easier to quit therapy and say: “She wasn’t the right fit.”

3. Projection and Transference

In therapy, you project feelings from past relationships onto your therapist.

If you had a controlling parent, you might perceive a caring therapist’s guidance as “controlling.”
If you had an absent parent, you might see a consistent therapist as “too much” and reject them.

Projection can blind you to a therapist’s real intention.

4. Need to Avoid Shame

Many clients carry deep shame. A therapist who gently confronts unhealthy behaviors can accidentally trigger that shame.

Instead of staying with the discomfort, clients leave.
They prefer therapists who never confront, even if that means no progress.

5. Cultural Expectations (Nepali/South Asian Context)

In Nepal and South Asia, therapy is often misunderstood.

Many expect therapists to give “advice” like a doctor or elder.
When a therapist reflects feelings instead of giving ready-made solutions, the client may feel: “She did nothing for me.”
On the other hand, therapists who only advise can feel comforting but don’t bring lasting growth.

Why Clients Reject the Right Therapist

When a client finally meets a therapist who:

Sees through their defenses.
Challenges their patterns.
Holds them accountable…

…it can feel uncomfortable, even threatening.

So instead of staying and working through the discomfort, many clients leave — telling themselves the therapist “wasn’t a good fit.”

In reality, the therapist was exactly what they needed.

Real-Life Examples (in Nepali Context)

The Venting Cycle
- A client chooses therapists who only listen and nod.
- She feels better after each session, but nothing changes.
- When a new therapist challenges her avoidance, she leaves, saying: “She was too harsh.”
The Authority Struggle
- A young man grew up with a controlling father.
- When his therapist sets healthy boundaries (like keeping session time strict), he perceives her as “controlling” and quits.
The Cultural Mismatch
- A client expects direct advice like from an elder.
- When the therapist asks open-ended questions, he says: “She doesn’t guide me.”
- In reality, the therapist is helping him build self-awareness.

How to Break the Pattern

1. Know That Discomfort is Part of Healing

If therapy feels uncomfortable at times, that’s a sign you’re addressing real issues. Growth never feels comfortable in the beginning.

2. Reflect on Your Patterns

Ask yourself:

Do I always leave when things get tough?
Do I blame the therapist instead of examining myself?

3. Understand Your Transference

Recognize when you are reacting to your past, not the therapist.

Example: “Am I treating her like my mother/father instead of who she really is?”

4. Give It Time

Don’t judge a therapist in just 1–2 sessions.

Commit for at least 5–6 sessions before deciding.

5. Differentiate Fit vs. Resistance

There’s a difference between:

A therapist who genuinely isn’t a good fit (values clash, poor communication).
A therapist who makes you uncomfortable because you’re confronting painful truths.

Learn to tell the difference.

For Therapists: Helping Clients Stay

Normalize Resistance: Tell clients that wanting to quit is part of the process.
Name the Pattern: Gently highlight if the client has a history of switching therapists.
Balance Challenge with Empathy: Too much confrontation too soon can scare clients away.

Conclusion

Choosing the wrong therapist again and again isn’t about bad luck — it’s about unconscious patterns, fear of change, and cultural expectations. Clients often reject the right therapist because real healing feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and threatening to old identities.

If you’ve been through this cycle, pause and reflect. The therapist who makes you uncomfortable might actually be the one who can help you grow.

👉 Remember: The goal of therapy is not comfort, but transformation.