The Hidden Face of Love: Unraveling Limerence and Covert Narcissism

D.Bhatta
10 hours ago
10 min read

"Healing begins with self-awareness. Only by understanding our own patterns can we truly grow and build healthier relationships."

Love, in its purest form, is a source of profound joy, connection, and personal growth. However, when certain emotional and psychological patterns intertwine, what appears to be love can turn into a destructive force. Limerence—a state of intense infatuation—combined with covert narcissism, creates a particularly toxic dynamic in relationships. This combination can lead to manipulation, emotional dependency, and a cycle of idealization and devaluation that leaves both partners feeling drained and confused.

This article aims to explore the intersection of limerence and covert narcissism, providing insights into how these traits manifest, how they impact relationships, and what steps can be taken to break free from this harmful cycle. Whether you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself or someone you care about, understanding the hidden face of love is the first step toward healing and building healthier relationships.

Understanding Limerence

Limerence is more than just a fleeting crush or simple attraction. It is a powerful and often overwhelming psychological state that can dominate a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence is defined as "an involuntary state of intense romantic desire for another person" (Tennov, 1979). This desire is often characterized by obsessive thoughts, fantasies, and a strong emotional dependence on the "limerent object" (LO).

Also you can read: Are You Limerent or the Limerent Object? How to Recognize the Signs

The Experience of Limerence

For someone experiencing limerence, their emotions can feel all-consuming. The LO is often idealized, seen as perfect and capable of fulfilling all emotional needs. This idealization leads to a distorted view of the relationship, where the limerent person believes that their happiness is entirely dependent on the reciprocation of the LO’s affection. This state is often marked by extreme highs and lows—elation when the LO shows interest and despair when they do not.

Limerence can also result in behaviors that are obsessive and irrational. The individual might constantly seek out ways to be near the LO, analyze every interaction for signs of reciprocation, and become emotionally devastated by even minor perceived slights. This obsessive focus on the LO can lead to neglect of other aspects of life, including personal well-being, work, and relationships with others.

What is Covert Narcissism?

Narcissism is often associated with overt displays of arrogance and self-importance, but it can also manifest in more subtle and insidious ways. Covert narcissism, sometimes referred to as vulnerable narcissism, is characterized by a hidden sense of superiority and a deep need for validation, often masked by a facade of humility or sensitivity. Covert narcissists may not outwardly demand attention and admiration, but they still harbor a strong sense of entitlement and a desire for control.

Signs of Covert Narcissism

Identifying covert narcissism can be challenging because it often hides behind behaviors that seem benign or even self-deprecating. However, some key signs include:

Need for Validation: Covert narcissists constantly seek reassurance and approval from others, often fishing for compliments or subtly manipulating conversations to receive praise.
Playing the Victim: They tend to portray themselves as victims in situations, using this to gain sympathy and control. This can involve exaggerating personal struggles or blaming others for their difficulties.
Manipulation: Covert narcissists use guilt, emotional blackmail, or passive-aggressiveness to control others and maintain a sense of superiority.
Envy and Competition: Despite appearing humble, they often feel envious of others’ successes and may engage in subtle forms of competition.
Hidden Grandiosity: Underneath their seemingly modest exterior, covert narcissists harbor a strong sense of superiority and entitlement.

The Dangerous Combination: Limerence Meets Covert Narcissism

When limerence and covert narcissism converge in one person, the result can be a particularly toxic and confusing relationship dynamic. The limerent aspect drives intense feelings of infatuation and idealization, while the narcissistic side involves a need for control, validation, and a hidden sense of superiority.

How These Traits Intersect

In a relationship, a person with both limerent and covert narcissistic tendencies might exhibit a blend of obsessive love and subtle manipulation. On the one hand, their limerence leads them to idealize their partner, placing them on a pedestal and viewing them as the solution to all their emotional needs. On the other hand, their covert narcissism drives them to control and devalue their partner, often in subtle ways that are difficult to detect.

For example, they might initially shower their partner with attention and affection, creating an intense emotional bond. However, as the relationship progresses, they may start to withdraw or become passive-aggressive, subtly undermining their partner’s self-esteem to maintain control. This cycle of idealization and devaluation can leave their partner feeling confused, insecure, and emotionally dependent.

Impact on Relationships

The combination of limerence and covert narcissism creates a relationship dynamic that is both intoxicating and harmful. The partner may feel deeply connected to the limerent narcissist during the idealization phase, only to be blindsided by the sudden shift to devaluation. This push-and-pull dynamic can create a sense of instability and emotional turmoil, as the partner constantly strives to regain the affection and approval that was once freely given.

Moreover, the limerent narcissist’s lack of empathy and tendency to play the victim can make it difficult for their partner to address issues or seek support. Any attempt to confront the manipulative behaviors may be met with defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or a shift in blame, further entrenching the partner in the toxic dynamic.

Identifying the Signs

Recognizing the signs of limerence and covert narcissism in oneself or others is the first step toward breaking free from their destructive influence. While these traits can manifest in various ways, certain behaviors are particularly indicative of this combination.

Behaviors to Watch For

Obsessive Thoughts: The individual may be preoccupied with thoughts of their partner, constantly analyzing interactions and seeking signs of reciprocation.
Idealization and Devaluation: They may swing between idealizing their partner as perfect and subtly devaluing them through passive-aggressive comments or actions.
Need for Control: The limerent narcissist may use their intense feelings as a justification for controlling behaviors, such as wanting constant contact or monitoring their partner’s actions.
Playing the Victim: They often portray themselves as victims in conflicts, using this narrative to manipulate their partner and avoid taking responsibility.
Manipulation: Covert forms of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or passive-aggressiveness, are common.

Red Flags in Relationships

Inconsistent Affection: The limerent narcissist’s affection may be inconsistent, fluctuating between intense love and cold detachment.
Emotional Dependency: The partner may feel emotionally dependent on the limerent narcissist, constantly seeking their approval and fearing their disapproval.
Unresolved Conflict: Conflicts are often left unresolved, as the limerent narcissist deflects blame and avoids taking responsibility for their actions.
Erosion of Self-Esteem: The partner may experience a gradual erosion of self-esteem, as they internalize the devaluation and manipulation they are subjected to.

The Psychological Purpose Behind These Behaviors

Understanding the underlying motivations for limerence and covert narcissism can shed light on why these behaviors occur and why they are so difficult to change.

Understanding the Motive

At the core of both limerence and covert narcissism is a deep-seated need for validation, control, and protection of self-esteem. The limerent aspect is driven by a desire for reciprocation and emotional fulfillment, which leads to obsessive thoughts and idealization of the partner. However, this idealization is often rooted in insecurity and fear of rejection, making the limerent person highly sensitive to any perceived threat to the relationship.

On the other hand, covert narcissism is driven by a need to protect a fragile self-esteem. Despite appearing humble or self-effacing, the covert narcissist harbors a sense of superiority and entitlement, which they maintain through subtle manipulation and control. By playing the victim or using passive-aggressive tactics, they avoid confronting their own insecurities and instead project them onto others.

The Role of the Victim Mindset

The victim mindset plays a crucial role in maintaining the behaviors associated with limerence and covert narcissism. By seeing themselves as victims, these individuals are able to deflect responsibility for their actions and protect their self-esteem. This mindset also allows them to justify their manipulative behaviors, as they believe they are simply responding to the mistreatment or lack of appreciation from others.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, "Narcissists often view themselves as victims because it allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and maintain a sense of superiority" (Durvasula, 2015). In the context of limerence, this victim mindset can further entrench the individual in their obsession, as they see their intense feelings as a sign of true love rather than a symptom of deeper emotional issues.

Self-Assessment: Recognizing Limerence and Covert Narcissism in Yourself

If you suspect that you may be experiencing limerence and covert narcissism, it’s important to engage in self-assessment to gain clarity about your behaviors and their impact on your relationships.

Self-Assessment Questions

Do you find yourself obsessing over a romantic partner, constantly seeking signs of their affection and approval?
Do you idealize your partner, viewing them as perfect, only to later feel disappointed or resentful when they don’t meet your expectations?
Do you struggle with feelings of envy or competition, even in relationships that should be supportive?
Do you often feel like a victim in your relationships, believing that others are mistreating or undervaluing you?
Do you use guilt, emotional blackmail, or passive-aggressive behaviors to control your partner or get what you want?
Do you feel a hidden sense of superiority or entitlement, even if you outwardly appear humble or self-effacing?

If you answered "yes" to several of these questions, it may be worth exploring these tendencies further, either through self-reflection or with the help of a therapist.

Challenges of Accepting the Symptoms

Recognizing and accepting the symptoms of limerence and covert narcissism can be difficult, especially because these traits are often rooted in deep-seated insecurities and defense mechanisms. It’s common to feel defensive, ashamed, or resistant to acknowledging these behaviors, as they challenge your self-perception and force you to confront uncomfortable truths.

How to Overcome the Challenges

Practice Self-Compassion: Accepting these traits doesn’t mean judging yourself harshly. Approach this process with self-compassion, recognizing that everyone has flaws and that acknowledging them is the first step toward growth.
Seek Support: It can be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your experiences. They can provide an outside perspective and offer guidance on how to address these behaviors in a constructive way.
Focus on Growth: Rather than dwelling on past mistakes or behaviors, focus on the future and how you can grow as a person. Set goals for developing healthier relationship patterns and work toward them step by step.
Stay Open to Feedback: Be willing to listen to feedback from others, even if it’s difficult to hear. Constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for self-improvement, helping you to identify blind spots and make positive changes.

Moving Forward: A Practical Guide to a Healthy Mindset

Breaking free from the toxic combination of limerence and covert narcissism requires a commitment to personal growth and the development of a healthy mindset. Here are some practical steps to help you move forward.

1. Develop Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is developing self-awareness. This involves regularly reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and considering how they impact your relationships. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this, as it allows you to track patterns over time and gain insight into your emotional triggers.

2. Cultivate Empathy

One of the key traits of narcissism is a lack of empathy, so it’s important to actively work on developing this skill. Practice putting yourself in others’ shoes, considering their feelings and perspectives before reacting. This can help you build stronger, more supportive relationships.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy relationships require clear boundaries that respect both partners’ needs and autonomy. Practice setting boundaries in your relationships, and be mindful of respecting the boundaries set by others. This can prevent the control and manipulation that often accompany covert narcissism.

4. Focus on Mutual Respect

Shift your focus from seeking validation and control to fostering mutual respect in your relationships. This means valuing your partner’s opinions, needs, and feelings as much as your own, and working together to build a relationship based on trust and equality.

5. Embrace Vulnerability

Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but it is actually a key component of healthy relationships. Practice being open and honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. This can help you build deeper connections with others and overcome the fear of rejection that drives limerence and narcissism.

6. Seek Professional Help

If you find it challenging to manage these behaviors on your own, seeking help from a therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Therapy can offer valuable insights into the root causes of your behaviors and provide strategies for developing healthier patterns. Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and trauma-focused therapy can be particularly effective. IFS helps you explore the different parts of yourself, including those driven by narcissistic traits or obsessive tendencies, fostering greater self-understanding and integration. Trauma-focused therapy addresses underlying emotional wounds that may be contributing to these behaviors, helping you heal from past experiences and build healthier relationship dynamics.

7. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves staying present in the moment and observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This practice can help you become more aware of your emotional triggers and choose healthier responses. It can also reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts associated with limerence.

8. Build Healthy Relationships

As you work on yourself, focus on building relationships that are based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional support. Avoid relationships that trigger your narcissistic or limerent tendencies, and instead seek out partners who value honesty, empathy, and equality.

9. Reflect Regularly

Regular reflection is essential for maintaining the progress you’ve made. Take time each week to assess how you’re doing in your relationships and personal growth. Celebrate your successes and identify areas where you can continue to improve.

10. Stay Committed to Growth

Personal growth is an ongoing process, and it’s important to stay committed to it even when it’s challenging. Remind yourself of the benefits of developing a healthy mindset and the positive impact it will have on your relationships and overall well-being.

Conclusion

Limerence and covert narcissism, when combined, create a particularly challenging and toxic dynamic in relationships. These traits can lead to emotional dependency, manipulation, and a cycle of idealization and devaluation that is harmful to both partners. However, by recognizing these behaviors, engaging in self-reflection, and committing to personal growth, it is possible to break free from this cycle and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Remember, change is possible, but it requires self-awareness, empathy, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself. By taking proactive steps to develop a healthy mindset, you can move forward in life with greater confidence, emotional stability, and the ability to form genuine, supportive connections with others.

Also you can read: Love Bombing, Sex Bombing, and Limerence: The Tricky Triangle

References

Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Spiegel & Grau.

Durvasula, R. (2015). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special. Harper Wave.

Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Stein and Day.