Why Do We Keep Falling for the Same Type of Person Exploring Patterns and Solutions
- D.Bhatta, MA
- Dec 29, 2025
- 3 min read
Have you ever noticed a pattern in your relationships? Maybe you find yourself attracted to the same kind of person over and over, even when those relationships don’t work out. This cycle can feel frustrating and confusing. Understanding why this happens can help you break free and build healthier connections. This post explores the psychological reasons behind these repeated attractions, how past experiences shape our choices, and practical steps to recognize and change these patterns.
The Role of Psychological Patterns in Attraction
Our brains are wired to seek familiarity and comfort. When it comes to relationships, this often means we are drawn to people who fit a certain pattern we know well. These patterns develop from early life experiences and repeated emotional responses.
Comfort in the familiar: Even if a relationship is unhealthy, it can feel safe because it matches what we know.
Reinforcement of beliefs: If you believe you don’t deserve kindness or stability, you might unconsciously choose partners who confirm that belief.
Unconscious repetition compulsion: This is a psychological term for repeating the same behaviors or relationship dynamics to try to resolve past emotional wounds.
For example, someone who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents might find themselves attracted to partners who are distant or hard to reach. This pattern feels familiar, even if it causes pain.
Attachment Styles and Their Influence on Relationship Choices
Attachment theory explains how early bonds with caregivers shape our approach to relationships as adults. There are four main attachment styles:
Secure attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Anxious attachment: Craves closeness but fears abandonment.
Avoidant attachment: Values independence and often avoids deep emotional connection.
Disorganized attachment: Mixes anxious and avoidant behaviors, often linked to trauma.
People tend to choose partners who fit or trigger their attachment style. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might repeatedly fall for avoidant partners, creating a push-pull dynamic that feels familiar but stressful.
Understanding your attachment style can reveal why you are drawn to certain types of people and help you develop healthier relationship habits.
How Past Experiences Shape Our Choices
Our past experiences, especially in childhood and early relationships, create a blueprint for what we expect from love and connection.
Family dynamics: The way your family expressed love, handled conflict, and showed support influences your relationship expectations.
Previous relationships: Early romantic experiences can set patterns for what feels normal or acceptable.
Unresolved trauma: Emotional wounds from past abuse, neglect, or loss can lead to repeating harmful relationship cycles.
For example, if someone experienced neglect, they might unconsciously seek partners who are emotionally unavailable, trying to "fix" the past or prove their worth.
Recognizing Your Relationship Patterns
Awareness is the first step to change. Here are ways to identify if you keep falling for the same type of person:
Look for recurring traits: Notice if your partners share similar behaviors, attitudes, or emotional availability.
Reflect on relationship outcomes: Are your relationships ending for similar reasons?
Journal your feelings: Write about your attractions and relationship experiences to spot patterns.
Ask trusted friends or a therapist: Sometimes others see patterns we miss.
Recognizing these patterns can feel uncomfortable but it opens the door to making different choices.
Additional Resources for Understanding Grief
To deepen your understanding and find more support, explore these related articles from our blog:
Tips for Breaking the Cycle
Changing relationship patterns takes time and effort. Here are practical steps to help you move forward:
Work on self-awareness: Understand your attachment style and emotional needs.
Challenge limiting beliefs: Replace thoughts like “I don’t deserve love” with positive affirmations.
Set clear boundaries: Know what behaviors you will not accept and communicate them.
Seek therapy or counseling: Professional support can help heal past wounds and develop new relationship skills.
Take time between relationships: Use this time to reflect and grow rather than rushing into new connections.
Expand your social circle: Meet different types of people to break the pattern of attraction.
For example, if you tend to choose emotionally unavailable partners, practice recognizing red flags early and remind yourself that you deserve someone who is present and caring.
Building Healthier Relationships
Once you understand your patterns and work on breaking them, you can build relationships based on respect, trust, and mutual support.
Communicate openly: Share your feelings and needs honestly.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself as you learn and grow.
Focus on compatibility: Look for shared values and emotional availability.
Stay mindful: Notice when old patterns try to resurface and choose differently.
Changing relationship habits is a journey. Each step toward awareness and healthier choices brings you closer to fulfilling connections.
