Relationships are supposed to be sources of support, love, and joy, but sometimes they can become sources of stress, pain, and misery. This is especially true when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, who is someone who craves admiration and importance, but lacks empathy and compassion for others.
Covert narcissists are not easy to spot, as they often hide their true nature behind a mask of humility, kindness, or charm. They may appear to be shy, insecure, or selfless, but in reality, they are manipulative, selfish, and arrogant. They use subtle and passive-aggressive ways to control, exploit, and undermine their partners, friends, or family members, and to make them feel guilty, worthless, or crazy.
Covert narcissists can cause serious damage to your mental health and well-being, as they can make you doubt your own reality, lose your self-esteem, and isolate you from your support network. They can also make you feel trapped, hopeless, and dependent on them, and prevent you from living a fulfilling and authentic life.
However, you do not have to suffer in silence or stay in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist. You can learn to recognize the signs of covert narcissism, and to reclaim your well-being and happiness. In this article, we will share some tips and strategies on how to navigate toxic relationships, and how to cope with and heal from covert narcissism.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism is a form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a mental condition characterized by a distorted sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration1. People with NPD often have grandiose fantasies of fame, power, or success, and they expect others to praise and admire them. They also tend to be arrogant, entitled, and exploitative, and they disregard or devalue the feelings and needs of others.
However, not all narcissists are the same. Some narcissists are more overt, or obvious, in their behavior, while others are more covert, or hidden, in their behavior. Overt narcissists are typically confident, outgoing, and charismatic, and they seek attention and admiration from others. They are not afraid to boast, brag, or show off their achievements, and they often dominate and manipulate others to get what they want.
Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are typically insecure, introverted, and sensitive, and they avoid attention and criticism from others. They are not comfortable with expressing their grandiosity or superiority, and they often act humble, modest, or self-deprecating. They may also appear to be caring, generous, or altruistic, and they may claim to be victims of injustice or mistreatment.
However, behind their facade, covert narcissists are still driven by the same narcissistic motives and needs as overt narcissists. They still crave admiration and importance, but they seek it in more subtle and indirect ways. They may use passive-aggressive tactics, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the martyr, to manipulate and control others, and to elicit sympathy and validation. They may also use projection, denial, or rationalization, to avoid taking responsibility or facing their own flaws.
Covert narcissists are often more difficult to identify and deal with than overt narcissists, as they can easily fool others and themselves with their false image and behavior. They can also cause more harm and damage to their relationships, as they can erode the trust, respect, and love that are essential for healthy and happy relationships.
How to Recognize the Signs of Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism can manifest in different ways, depending on the context and the relationship. However, there are some common signs and patterns that can help you recognize a covert narcissist in your life. Some of these signs are:
They are passive-aggressive. Covert narcissists often express their anger, resentment, or frustration in indirect and subtle ways, such as giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic remarks, withholding affection, or sabotaging your plans. They may also act nice and friendly to your face, but talk badly about you behind your back, or spread rumors and lies about you to others.
They are manipulative. Covert narcissists often use various techniques and strategies to influence and control others, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim. They may make you feel sorry for them, or make you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations or demands. They may also make you doubt your own memory, perception, or judgment, or make you believe that you are the problem or the cause of their unhappiness.
They are entitled. Covert narcissists often have a sense of entitlement, or a belief that they deserve special treatment or privileges, and that others should cater to their needs and wants. They may expect you to do things for them, or to give them things, without reciprocating or expressing gratitude. They may also get angry or resentful when you say no to them, or when you do not comply with their wishes or requests.
They are envious. Covert narcissists often feel envious of others who have something that they want or lack, such as success, wealth, beauty, or popularity. They may try to diminish or belittle your achievements, or to take credit for your work or ideas. They may also try to sabotage or undermine your happiness, or to make you feel insecure or inferior to them.
They are sensitive. Covert narcissists often have low self-esteem and high sensitivity, and they are easily hurt or offended by real or perceived criticism or rejection. They may react with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal, and they may hold grudges or seek revenge. They may also avoid or deny feedback, or blame others for their mistakes or failures.
They are secretive. Covert narcissists often hide their true feelings, thoughts, and intentions, and they may lie or deceive others to maintain their false image or to avoid consequences. They may also keep secrets from you, or withhold information from you, to create a power imbalance or to maintain an advantage over you. They may also have hidden agendas or ulterior motives, and they may use you or exploit you for their own benefit.
How to Cope with and Heal from Covert Narcissism?
If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it is a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member, you may feel confused, hurt, or betrayed by their behavior. You may also feel trapped, hopeless, or dependent on them, and you may lose your sense of self and well-being. However, you do not have to stay in a toxic relationship, or suffer the consequences of covert narcissism. You can take steps to cope with and heal from covert narcissism, and to reclaim your well-being and happiness. Some of these steps are:
Educate yourself. The first step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to educate yourself about the condition, and to understand the signs, causes, and effects of covert narcissism. This can help you to recognize the patterns and tactics of the covert narcissist, and to realize that their behavior is not your fault or your responsibility. It can also help you to protect yourself from their manipulation and abuse, and to empower yourself to make informed and healthy decisions.
Set boundaries. The second step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to set boundaries, or limits, on what you will and will not tolerate or accept from the covert narcissist. This can help you to assert your rights and needs, and to prevent the covert narcissist from taking advantage of you or violating your space. It can also help you to reduce your exposure and contact with the covert narcissist, and to create some distance and separation from them.
Seek support. The third step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to seek support, or help, from others who can understand and empathize with your situation, and who can offer you advice, guidance, or assistance. This can include your friends, family, or other trusted people, who can provide you with emotional, social, or practical support. It can also include a professional, such as a therapist, counselor, or coach, who can provide you with psychological, emotional, or behavioral support.
Practice self-care. The fourth step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to practice self-care, or activities that can help you to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This can include eating well, sleeping well, exercising regularly, relaxing, meditating, or engaging in hobbies or interests that can make you feel good and happy. It can also include affirming yourself, expressing yourself, validating yourself, or rewarding yourself, for your achievements, strengths, and qualities.
Heal yourself. The fifth step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to heal yourself, or to process and resolve the trauma, pain, or damage that the covert narcissist has caused you. This can include acknowledging and accepting your feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and releasing them in healthy and constructive ways. It can also include forgiving yourself, and forgiving the covert narcissist, for what has happened, and letting go of the past. It can also include rebuilding your self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love, and rediscovering your identity, values, and goals.
How to End a Toxic Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?
The final and most difficult step to cope with and heal from covert narcissism is to end the toxic relationship with the covert narcissist, or to cut off all contact and communication with them. This is not an easy or simple decision, as it may involve various emotional, practical, or legal challenges, and it may require a lot of courage and determination. However, it may be the only way to protect yourself from further harm and abuse, and to reclaim your freedom and happiness.
Ending a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist may not be possible or advisable in some situations, such as when you have children, shared assets, or professional ties with them, or when you are dependent on them for financial, emotional, or physical reasons. In these cases, you may need to find ways to minimize or manage your interactions with them, and to create a safe and healthy space for yourself and your loved ones.
However, if you have the opportunity and the option to end the toxic relationship with the covert narcissist, you may want to consider the following steps and tips:
Plan ahead. Before you end the relationship, you may want to plan ahead and prepare yourself for the possible consequences and reactions of the covert narcissist. You may want to gather evidence and documentation of their abuse and manipulation, such as texts, emails, or recordings, in case you need to prove or report their behavior. You may also want to secure your finances, belongings, and documents, and to arrange a safe and comfortable place to stay, such as with a friend, a family member, or a shelter. You may also want to inform your support network, such as your friends, family, or therapist, about your decision, and to ask for their help and protection.
Be firm and clear. When you end the relationship, you may want to be firm and clear with the covert narcissist, and to avoid any ambiguity or confusion. You may want to tell them that you are ending the relationship, and that you do not want to have any contact or communication with them. You may also want to give them a brief and honest explanation of your reasons, and to avoid any blame, criticism, or justification. You may also want to avoid any negotiation, compromise, or promises, and to stick to your decision, no matter what they say or do.
Go no contact. After you end the relationship, you may want to go no contact with the covert narcissist, or to cut off all forms of contact and communication with them, such as phone calls, texts, emails, or social media. This can help you to avoid their attempts to manipulate, control, or lure you back into the relationship, and to prevent them from hurting or harassing you. It can also help you to heal and recover from the trauma and pain that they have caused you, and to focus on yourself and your well-being.
Seek help. Ending a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist can be a stressful and painful process, and you may need professional help and guidance to cope and heal. You may want to seek therapy or counseling from a qualified and experienced therapist or counselor, who can provide you with psychological, emotional, or behavioral support. You may also want to seek legal help or advice from a lawyer or a police officer, who can provide you with practical, legal, or protective support. You may also want to seek medical help or attention from a doctor or a nurse, who can provide you with physical, health, or medical support.
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