You still want sex — just not with your partner. What's going on?

Losing sexual desire for a partner while still feeling general libido is common — and painful for both people. It rarely means the relationship must end, but it does mean something in the emotional or relational system needs attention.

In Nepal, couples often suffer in silence — family expectations, shame about sex, and fear of divorce keep problems hidden. This article names common causes and what couples therapy can realistically do.

Common contributors

• Built-up resentment from unresolved conflict or broken promises
• Feeling like a roommate or co-parent, not a lover
• Body image, health changes, postpartum, or medication effects
• Stress, depression, or ADHD affecting presence during intimacy
• Trauma or past coercion linked to sex — body says no even when mind wants closeness
• Mismatched initiation — one feels pursued, one feels hunted
• Affairs or emotional bonds elsewhere — guilt or split attention

It is not always “low libido”

General horniness with partner aversion often points to the relationship system — not a single broken person. Blame blocks repair. Both partners may need language for hurt that never got spoken after an argument, in-law stress, or financial betrayal.

Also read: Frequent issues couples bring to therapy →

Gender and culture — what we hear in Nepal

• Women told desire should be passive — then judged for lack of interest
• Men equating rejection with failure or masculinity
• Sleeping separately after children without rebuilding touch
• Porn or fantasy substituting for partnered intimacy
• Pressure to perform after long gaps — anxiety kills arousal

What couples therapy can do

• Rebuild emotional safety before pressuring intercourse
• Define intimacy broadly — conversation, touch, time without phones
• Address resentment and fairness (chores, money, in-laws)
• Refer for medical evaluation when hormones, pain, or meds may play a role
• Individual therapy when trauma or depression blocks contact

Also read: ADHD in relationships — executive dysfunction →

When to seek help

If months pass with distance, contempt, or pressure that feels coercive, a psychologist can help you decide whether to repair or separate with clarity. Bhatta Psychotherapy offers couples sessions in Kathmandu and online — English, Nepali, and Hindi.