You Still Want Sex – Just Not With Your Partner: What’s Going On?
- D.Bhatta, MA
- Dec 17, 2025
- 7 min read
“I fantasize. I feel desire. But when it comes to them, I go quiet.”
If you’ve ever thought this—if you still have a libido, you still imagine being desired or desiring someone, yet with your partner you feel distant, numb, shut down—know this: you’re not broken. You’re tellinga a story. And that story deserves listening.
Sexual desire is not simply a light that goes on or off because someone’s attractive. It is deeply bound up with emotion, context, safety, self‑worth and relational dynamics. In this article we’ll explore why you might still feel desire (perhaps toward others) but not toward
your partner, what research tells us, and how you can begin to unfold that truth.
Desire Is More Complex Than “I’m Into My Partner or I’m Not”
Let’s start by understanding that sexual desire is multi‑layered. It’s influenced by biology (hormones, neurochemistry), yes—but also by psychology (self‑image, shame, identity), by relationship dynamics (intimacy, conflict, roles), and by context (stress, routines, novelty). When you love your partner but your body doesn’t always respond, the issue seldom lies solely with them. Often it lies with what’s going on between you, and within you.
Research points this way:
A systematic review found that in long‑term relationships, many factors (individual, interpersonal, societal) influence sexual desire—not just physical attraction. PubMed
Daily diary studies show that for many women, desire on a given day depends on how connected they feel, how satisfied they feel in the relationship earlier that day. Springer
One review posits that too much intimacy, or too much closeness without boundaries, can actually stifle erotic desire. SAGE Journals
So yes—you can still have sexual desire, but not for your partner in that moment. And that reveals something important: it may not be a deficit in desire—it may be a deficit in something else that desire needs to show up.
Why You Might Want Sex — But Not With This Partner, Right Now
Let’s unpack some of the common dynamics that lead to this phenomenon. These are not exhaustive, but may give you helpful lenses to start seeing what might be at play.
1. Emotional Disconnection or Unresolved Conflict
Even when we’ve committed to our partners and care deeply, emotional disconnection can creep in. You might feel unheard, unseen, unappreciated, or stuck in patterns of blame or repetition. When that happens, your body may interpret “I feel safe with you” as less true. And desire tends to wither when safety and connection feel compromised.
Research: A study found that feelings of intimacy (warmth, closeness, low threat) predicted sexual desire just 90 minutes later. Psychology Today
Another found the link between relationship quality and sexual desire strong—especially for women—in everyday life. Springer
So if you want but don’t want with them, ask: what in the relationship is making me feel unsafe, unvalued or disconnected?
2. Role Shift: From Lover to Teammate (or Caretaker)
When life stress, family demands, children, finances or illness take over — you and your partner may become co‑administrators of life. Romantic & erotic energy often demands a different stance. It wants novelty, polarity (difference), surprise, desire. If you’re stuck in functional roles—“co‑parent”, “co‑worker”, “manager of home life”—then the erotic self can feel muted.
Moreover, desire often thrives on mystery or permission. If you feel like you’ve already been seen too clearly, too fully, or you’ve given away too much of your sensual self, the erotic self may retreat.
3. Imbalance in Power, Voice or Sexual Agency
If you feel your voice is diminished in the relationship, or you have less choice, or your sexuality has become something you perform, not something you choose, your desire can withdraw. Desire wants agency. It wants to feel invited. It doesn’t like pressure or obligation.
Research shows that sexual desire is not simply comparable from partner to partner—higher desire (rather than matched desire) tends to link with sexual satisfaction. natalieorosen.com
Also, the context of relational dynamics, not just the physical partner attractiveness, predicted desire outcomes. Psychology Today
So, if you feel like your sexual self isn’t fully invited—or you’re always the initiator, or you’re doing the “responsible” role—that can suppress desire for your partner.
4. The Sexual Self Doesn’t Feel Fully Expressed
It’s possible that you do have desire—but it’s for a part of you that isn’t being met in the relationship. For example: the part of you that wants to be seen, to flirt, to explore, to feel wild. In your fantasies or elsewhere, you may feel more alive, more sexy, more free. With your partner, you may feel less free, more constrained, more predictable.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you should act on those other desires—but it does mean you have something unmet: a part of you that craves expression, novelty, or recognition.
5. Routine, Habit, Familiarity = Diminished Arousal
Human brains are wired to seek novelty. In long‑term relationships especially, excitement drops not because love drops—but because novelty drops. Research indicates sexual desire tends to decline in long‑term relationships, and relational factors become stronger predictors of desire than solely individual drive. PubMed
So if things feel predictable or the erotic unknown is gone, your body may respond less—not because of fault, but because stimulation has flattened.
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But Wait—Does This Mean You Don’t Love Them? Or Love Is Gone?
No. Love, emotional commitment, caring—these are not the same as erotic desire. Some research shows that romantic love (attachment, commitment) and sexual desire (arousal, attraction) are distinct processes. Greater Good
You can deeply love someone, value them as your partner, and yet not feel sexual desire for them right now. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means this part of your relational system needs attention.
When we treat it as though the only problem is “they don’t turn me on” we lose the nuance—and we can get stuck in shame, blame, or performance anxiety.
This is important: if you feel desire elsewhere or for other people, it is not necessarily a sign you’re “wrong” or your partner is “wrong”. It may be a signal: something in the dynamic between you and them, or between you and your sexual self, is incomplete or unmet.
What You Can Do: A Healing Pathway
Let’s shift from “problem” mode into “curious explorer” mode. Here are steps you can take—both individually and relationally.
Step 1: Invite Self‑Curiosity (not Judgment)
Begin with you. Without telling yourself you’re broken. Without blaming. With curiosity:
“When I notice I don’t want them right now, what am I feeling inside?”
“Which part of me feels unseen, unsafe, uninvited right now?”
“What does desire mean for me when I feel it most alive—and is that part present in this relationship?”
Journal, reflect, or simply hold these questions. When you move from self‑criticism to self‑curiosity, you open space for insight.
Step 2: Notice the Relational Context
Ask about your relationship:
How often do we feel connected—emotionally, not just physically?
When was the last time I felt seen in a way that felt sexy, safe, desired?
When did I last feel like I am the one pursuing, rather than the one responding or accommodating?
What roles do we hold in our home life—and how might that affect our erotic life?
Research shows that closeness and relationship quality feed desire—especially for women—but too much sameness can reduce it. SAGE Journals
Step 3: Communicate Gently With Your Partner
This is not about blame—it’s about exploring together. Try language like:
“Lately I’ve noticed I still feel sexually alive—but less so with us. I don’t think it’s about you not being attractive; I think something inside me needs something different—or something we’ve lost. Can we talk about how our life/roles/connection might be changing this?”
Focus on your experience, not their deficiency. Use “I” statements. Stay curious.
Step 4: Rediscover Your Sexual Self (Individually)
Separate you from us for a moment. Explore:
What do I do when I feel most alive, sexy, desired?
What aspects of me feel stifled in the relationship?
What fantasies or aspects of desire feel safe for me—even if they’re private?
Can I invite my partner into a little of that—not as a problem to solve, but as a part of connection?
This enhances self‑agency and draws your sexual self back in.
Step 5: Create Experiments Together
Try things that rekindle novelty and difference.
Set aside time where roles switch: you initiate, they follow (or vice versa).
Explore new activities that aren’t “sex” but build play, curiosity, difference (dance class, art, new setting).
Practice “just noticing” each other—what turns you on, what you admire, what’s new.
Introduce “non‑goal” intimacy: hugging without expectation, touching without sex. This builds safety. Research shows intimacy boosts later desire. Psychology Today
Step 6: Consider Professional Support
If you’ve done this work and still feel stuck, therapy (especially sex therapy or relational therapy) can help. It’s not a failure—it’s a signal you’re caring enough to look deeper.
FAQ: Common Questions & Reassurances
Q: Does wanting sex with someone else mean I don’t love my partner or I’m unfaithful?No. Desire is not loyalty. It’s energy. It’s potential. Having sexual desire outside your relationship doesn’t automatically mean you’ll act on it or that your love is gone. It means some part of you is seeking expression, novelty or being seen differently.
Q: Is this always because my partner is “bad” or “not attractive anymore”?
Rarely. Most of the time the challenge is context, connection, roles, history, wounds. Physical attraction may shift—but that doesn’t equal love or meaningful intimacy being gone.
Q: If I love them and live with them, should I just “force” myself to want sex?
Forcing often makes it worse—because then sex becomes obligation, not invitation. The research suggests when sex becomes performance or duty, desire drops. PubMed+1
Q: Will desire come back if we just wait?
Possibly—but waiting alone may lead to more frustration, shame, distancing. Action rooted in curiosity, connection and self‑agency gives you more control over the process.
Final Thought: Deep Healing Begins When you Stop Chasing Desire and Start Listening
Let’s reframe the narrative. This is not a story of “I must want them again” but of “What wants to be seen, heard and touched inside me—and how can we invite that together?”
Desire doesn’t always show up the way we expect—but when you shift from “Why don’t I want them?” to “What am I wanting?”, you step into a deeper space of intimacy.
You may still love your partner, you may still want sex—and you may also discover that the sexual hunger you feel is pointing you toward a piece of yourself that needs care.
Tonight, before you go to sleep, try this:
Place a hand on your heart. Whisper to the part of you that feels unseen or un‑turned‑on: “I see you. I’m listening. We’re safe together.”
And when you wake tomorrow—bring that gentle curiosity into your day.
You’re not broken. You’re evolving.
And that evolution can bring back desire—not just for them, but for you.
